


Shit happens, don't sweat it

by jatkojohto



Category: South Park
Genre: Anal Sex, Attempt at Humor, Bad Puns, Bodily Functions, Christmas, Coitus Interruptus, Established Relationship, M/M, Mr. Hankey is the unlucky incident Anal is risky okay, Slurs, Tongue-in-cheek, nothing detailed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:29:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28228419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jatkojohto/pseuds/jatkojohto
Summary: Christmas is here and Stan and Kyle are fooling around pants-less before an unlucky incident happens.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh
Kudos: 12





	Shit happens, don't sweat it

**Author's Note:**

> In the words of Mr. Garrison: Merry fucking Christmas!  
> This story is kinda half-baked and very dumb compared to my other fics, but I enjoyed writing it anyway. Into the world you go, garbage story!!

Legs wrapped around Stan Kyle clings onto his dear life as they screw in missionary position on Christmas morning, enjoying selfishly that Stan doesn’t want to spend it with his family anymore and instead comes to Kyle’s apartment. Each thrust draws a moan from his throat that Stan eats up with messy kisses.

“Get on me” Stan mutters breathlessly as he breaks off and leans back. Kyle nods quickly, his heart fluttering at the thought of riding his boyfriend to climax when the unspeakable happens.

As Stan pulls his cock out for a position switch, Kyle’s anus, more precisely colon, saw this as a time to execute an instinctual bodily function that’s generally considered unwelcome in the bedroom.

Piece of solid shit comes out, right after the cock exits his body. For a moment, Kyle is sure his soul exits his body too.

Tears of mortification well into his eyes as Kyle’s face and shoulders burn brighter than his hair. Stan has yet to notice the accident, but this reaction he does, making him pause in his tracks.

“Dude what’s wro-”

”Howdy ho!” It’s been ten years since last hearing the voice that pipes up, but they remember its familiar high pitch. Sure enough, a very small stool wearing a red and sparkly Christmas hat jumps off from between them onto the sheet next to them.

“Merry Christmas boys! Oh lawdy lo it’s been ages! You’ve grown so much” Mr. Hankey says cheerfully, his beady eyes dropping to stare at their lower halves and erections losing gradually enthusiasm “So much”

Stan stumbles to get away from his position in between Kyle’s legs but Kyle holds his arm around him in place before simply grabbing a hold of the bedding and yanking it over them. Flustered but giving up Stan slumps back down on him, burying his own burning face to the crook of Kyle’s neck. Kyle glares at Mr. Hankey, pushing extreme embarrassment he’s feeling down and getting into his ‘dealing with shit’ -mood. An expression that has never before been so literal.

“Mr. Hankey you were exiled to Springfield why are you here” he asks sternly, face ablaze but still remaining dignified.

“Exiled in South Park Kyle, we are in Denver now!” Mr. Hankey answers, raising his arms and jumping around, staining the sheets in his wake even worse.

“But you pissed off people of Denver too”

“It’s okay because I’m making a comebackside! I am a new, impooped me. See my hat?” He points at his hat which, upon closer look, was now covered in red rhinestones.

“Mr. Hankey a new hat isn’t all that’s needed for reboot”

“How about a repoop?” He asks slowly with a shit-eating grin spreading onto his tiny cheeks. Kyle looks at him blankly. After a moment smile falls from Mr. Hankey.

“Is that really how you greet an old friend? On Christmas too?” He asks quietly “That’s not very nice Kyle”

“You come into my apartment uninvited and you say I’m not being nice?”

“This is your apartment?” He looks around at the rundown walls and stacks of coursebooks lied on the table Kyle hasn’t been assed to clean up yet “I expected you would make it farther in life than a measly community college in the closest city in your state. Didn’t you have ambitions beyond that?”

His careless words make Kyle fall quiet.

“Hey, fuck off Mr. Hankey” Stan butts in, turning his head so he could glare at the poop “It’s none of your business”

“Well, I’ll be darned. I just came here to spread joy and Christmas spirit and I get told off by a fag” Mr. Hankey slumps forward, bending in half “Sad”

“You’re so far from getting a reboot Mr. Hankey” Kyle tells him after composing himself “You’re so out of touch with what people now are like you don’t even know fag has been repurposed”

Mr. Hankey straightens back up to squint at Kyle “Whaddoya mean”

“It’s used to describe bikers now” Kyle starts saying but then pauses, remembering the various feces-based transportation methods Mr. Hankey had when he saved them from boat ride so long ago. “Do you ride one?”

“Well yes I call her Diarrheah”, Mr.Hankey replies, “That’s with H by the way. I wanted to make a pun on Delilah but couldn’t come up with any. She’s a true beauty. If you boys want I could ride you around and round of Denver and we’ll spread Christmas spirit to all just like in olden days”

“Loud, obnoxious, annoying…biker.” Kyle muses, ignoring his proposition “It all checks out. You’re a fag, Hankey”

Stan lifts himself up on the forearms to look at Kyle, his mouth shaped into a small o.

“Dude. You’re right he’s a total fag”

“Right? All these years...we never realized”

“I am not a fucking fag!” Mr. Hankey suddenly yells, jumping angrily around as the boys look at him unimpressed “You guys are the ones pounding on the backdoor so hard that some shit comes out! That’s what a fag is, a flaming assfucker!”

Kyle sucks a sharp intake of breath, keeping his voice even despite the burning sensation on his cheeks to the reminder that, indeed, that happened “If you’re calling us homosexuals for having anal sex you really are behind times”

“Yeah we’re both bi, stupid turd” Stan adds helpfully. Mr. Hankey’s tiny hands took a hold of his little rhinestone hat and he pulled on it in frustration.

“I won’t sit here and take this kind of abuse! Fucking faggots, Santa better bring you nothing but coal!” He jumps off of the bed and ran through to room, into the small kitchenette sink and down through the drain into the plumbing below.

“God what a fag” Stan concludes after he disappeared. Arms around him loosen and he glances at Kyle who’s covering his face in his hands with a long and suffering groan “You alright?”

“Just fucking kill me” Kyle replies, his voice muffled and pained.

“Hey..dude…” Stan starts hesitantly “Community college is a fine way to get education too, that turd doesn’t know a thing” His reassuring attempt was met with another groan “It’s not your fault your dad relapsed and gambled away the college funds”

“Ugh I don’t care about that” He honestly did though and appreciated Stan’s words. The shame over crapping accidentally simply hit again full force when the shock of Mr. Hankey making a special Christmas visit wore off. “Can’t believe that I… Dude can we just forget this ever happened. Please.”

Kyle peeks through his fingers at Stan who laughs in a self-deprecating way “Sure. You never addressed how our first kiss ended with me barfing in your mouth”

“Fuck. We’re so gross” Kyle says with a weak smile that Stan reflects back at him. “Not gross enough to lie in shitstained bed” He adds, glancing to the side at the stains Mr. Hankey had left where he’d jumped around “But kinda gross still”

“Yeah. Come on, let’s get these sheets into laundry” Stan says, pecking a kiss on his forehead before starting to get up.

After Kyle had spent way too long clearing up the clogged drain Mr. Hankey had slid down into when he finally joins Stan on the sheetless bed who is playing a game on his old Xbox. Small television screen on the side of his wall showed Stan getting his ass kicked by the enemy A.I. Quickly growing bored of observing Kyle grabs his phone and opens twitter.

He pauses when the first look told him he had more notifications than the app was willing to display. Very unusual sight considering his general inactivity. He opens hesitantly the mentions and narrows his eyes at the direct tweets that called him a homo. He scrolls down to find the source, suspicion growing as he does before finally landing on tweet that started it, att’ed directly at him.

”That piece of shit” Kyle says darkly

“huh?” Stan asks, glancing at him quickly but at a critical time, because his character got a fatal blow. “What the hell I look away for one second!” He complains as the game over screen appears

“Get good” Kyle replies shortly out of habit before looking back at the phone and clicking his tongue “Mr. Hankey’s been tweeting again”

“What’s he saying” Stan asks as he restarts the game, this time keeping his eyes peeled on the screen

“You never could guess who’s going to grow up into a butt pirate” Kyle begins to read, his voice shaking in annoyance “At least your ginger genes won’t make more satanic offspring”

“Wow”

“Yep” Kyle replies, slamming the phone down on the bed with more force than necessary “He called me a butt pirate”

Stan chuckles. “That’s what gets to you?”

“I’m immune to the ginger card but this is the stupidest fucking thing to call someone”

The corners of Stan’s mouth pull up in a smirk “To be fair you’ve always had a nice booty”

“Stop joking around, I’m pissed” Kyle huffs “My mentions are fucking ruined now, that absolute piece of shit!”

Stan reaches blindly to the side to tap Kyle’s shoulder reassuringly

“Ye can plunder my booty later if it makes you feel better” Stan says, in cartoonish pirate way rolling his r’s as his character mows through enemies.

“At least he didn’t use fag wrong again”

“Aye”


End file.
